Cheese and hearing

I swear. Sometimes my life is like a scene right out of some wacky sitcom like "I Love Lucy."

I am constantly tripping over something, dropping something or walking into something.

Today while fixing lunch I was actually looking for the hidden cameras, because surely someone must be getting a good laugh out of my wacky antics.

A couple of ham and cheese sandwiches sounds simple enough.

I opened the refrigerator only to have the bottle of salad dressing that someone - I'm guessing my darling husband - just laid on top of the other condiments in the door instead of taking 10 seconds to move things just a tad to allow it to fit back nicely in its previous spot come flying out and land right on my little toe.

"Shit! Damn!"

"Mom, 'shit' is a bad word."

"So is 'damn.'"

Thank you my little moral compasses. You can't hear me tell you to clean up your room when I am 2 feet from you, but you can hear me cuss from 2 rooms away. Clearly, you have inherited you father's hearing.

Okay. Toe throbbing. Salad dressing back in the door where it belongs. Buns buttered, ham piled neatly on said buns, toaster oven heating up. Time to open a new bag of pre-shredded mozzarella cheese - yeah, I'm lazy like that.

We go through a lot of mozzarella cheese - which could explain the size of my backside - so I buy it in those handy little two-packs that are attached but provide that handy little perforated seam for easy separation.

Supposedly.

I grasp the bags and give a firm tug to separate them. At this point, something goes horribly wrong.

There is shredded cheese flying through the air like confetti on New Year's Eve.

Damn cheap bags. Can't tear down the perforation. No, it has to rip down the front of one bag.

Well, look. There's Cooper the wonder dog who can't hear me yell for him to get back in the house when he is 2 feet from the back door, but can hear cheese hitting the carpet in front of the refrigerator from 2 rooms away.

I'm starting to see a pattern here.

As the dog is cleaning up the mess and looking up at me as if to say "thanks!" I had nothing left to do but launch into insane laughter since I don't have my own laugh track.